Okay, here is my backlog of "stories from the trenches". If I've ever told you a funny story about school that's not here, let me know- I probably forgot about it! From this point, I'm going to try to post funnies as they happen...we'll see.
It's October, and I've just taught my kindergartners how to do a Venn diagram (you know, the two intersecting circles used to compare and contrast two things...). One day during free choice time, I notice J.S. making his own Venn diagram on the white board. He's already drawn his two large circles, labeling one "girls" and the other "boys". He begins writing the names of his classmates in the circles. I'm watching, really curious about whose name is about to be
written in the "both" part of the circles. J.S. pauses, as if reading my mind, and turns to face me. "I can't do 'girls' and 'boys'! No one is a boy AND a girl!" A.M. pipes up from across the room: "MICHAEL JACKSON IS!"
Me: K.F., where does your mom work?
KF: Ummmm....American Idol.
Me: Uh, what? You sure?
KF: Yep.
(later, look at KF's 'parent information' sheet. mom's employer: American Eagle.)
Now it's September (work with me, people). It's Arkansas. It's HOT. Class comes in from recess with the aide and I realize JH is walking strangely. Almost like he's riding a horse...with no horse. Like he should be wearing chaps, boots, and spurs. I ask, "JH, what's the problem?" He looks up, very concerned, and explains (and points...down there...), "Thumtimes my skin sticks to my legs."
DL brings pictures to school of his new baby brother! The kids are all so excited because we've talked about this baby for what seems like years. The excitement dies down, but during lunch, DL blurts out: "I know how babies are born." Time stands still. The kids are completely silent, waiting for DL to bring insight to this great mystery. I, of course, am frozen- can't even make myself scream, "NOOOO!" because I'm so terrified of what he's about to say. He goes on: "The mom just pushes and pushes and pushes and the baby just POPS! Right out of her booty!" 15 mouths open wide (mine wanting to scream, but again, nothing). K.O. speaks up, "Is that true?" I respond the only way I can at the moment: "I have no idea. You'll have to ask your mom."
CF has three parents (mom, dad, stepdad), all of whom are blind. CF, who speaks very rarely and very quietly, shakes us all up by proudly announcing one morning that he got a trampoline for his birthday. The kids are all excited and one asks if CF has a "cage" on his trampoline (the net thing that goes around it). CF says yes. I say, "So you won't fall off?" Cameron quietly and matter-of-factly replies, "No, so my mom won't fall off."
It's Valentine's Day. BH (my favoritest little autistic child in the world) brings in a card for me that he has made "specially" for me. It's a white piece of paper with a big red heart on the front. Sweet, except the heart has drops of "blood" dripping off it and forming a "puddle" on the bottom of the page. I'm thinking: "awesome. blood. on a Valentine." But NO. I open it and read..."My heart is melting for you." LOVEIT.
It's April, and I'm still teaching "life skills" such as, "Only one person in the stall at a time while you're in the bathroom" and "It's not okay to look under the stall at the person next to you." So JL comes back in the classroom after a visit to the restroom and is VERY hot and bothered. I say, "JL, what's going on?" She cries, "AB looked in my stable!"
EM worked really hard on learning the major bones of the body in PE. But when she broke her arm, she also got a little confused about the bones in her arm (radius and ulna). She reported to another teacher that she fell out of a chair and "broke her uterus."
LZ: "You know what?"
Me: "What?"
LZ: "Did you know I already have all my baby eggs inside me?"
Me: stunned silence. TMI.
Francis: (staring at CP and the puddle of puke she is standing over) "What happened?!"
CP: "I bomited."
Me: (standing outside the boys bathroom hearing screams from inside) "What is going ON in there??"
JS: "Um, I think you should come in here, Miss Leah. There is a pre-k kid doing something crazy."
I walk in...nervously...to see AK SITTING on the urinal. facing me.
Me: "Um, AK, that is a potty for STANDING."
AK: "But I need to poop."
So I'm sitting in my quiet classroom while my class is at music. I hear Miss Janet say, "Oh. My. Goodness." I walk out in the hall and Janet is standing at the bathroom door looking in on EH. I peek in. EH is sitting on the toilet and is DRIPPING wet from head to waist. seriously. Janet leaves to get Kenda. EH reports, "My head is really wet." no kidding. I ask if he put his head in the sink. He says no. I ask how his head got really wet. He seems stumped. Kenda arrives.
Janet and I stay in the hall and listen to the line of questioning that eventually revealed the truth.
EH: "Did you know there's a hole in this potty?"
Kenda: "Yes. There's a hole in every potty. When you flush, that's where the water goes out."
EH: "Well, I just wanted to know where the hole went, so I put my hand in. I couldn't feel anything, so I put my whole arm in."
Kenda: "So how did your head get wet?"
EH: "Well, my arm wasn't long enough, so I tried to get my whole self in the potty so I could reach better. I still couldn't get anything."
I'm picking my class up from art. They're in a line at the door, I'm facing them. I feel something unusual. I look down. MC has both hands on my...chest. I jump back and say, "MC! What are you doing?!" He says nothing. I tell him he owes me a token when we get back to the classroom (while Miss Shana laughs silently behind him). When we get to the room, he brings me a token. I say, "MC, do you know why you have to give me a token?"
He replies, "Yes. Because I touched your pom-poms."
It's October, and I've just taught my kindergartners how to do a Venn diagram (you know, the two intersecting circles used to compare and contrast two things...). One day during free choice time, I notice J.S. making his own Venn diagram on the white board. He's already drawn his two large circles, labeling one "girls" and the other "boys". He begins writing the names of his classmates in the circles. I'm watching, really curious about whose name is about to be
written in the "both" part of the circles. J.S. pauses, as if reading my mind, and turns to face me. "I can't do 'girls' and 'boys'! No one is a boy AND a girl!" A.M. pipes up from across the room: "MICHAEL JACKSON IS!"
Me: K.F., where does your mom work?
KF: Ummmm....American Idol.
Me: Uh, what? You sure?
KF: Yep.
(later, look at KF's 'parent information' sheet. mom's employer: American Eagle.)
Now it's September (work with me, people). It's Arkansas. It's HOT. Class comes in from recess with the aide and I realize JH is walking strangely. Almost like he's riding a horse...with no horse. Like he should be wearing chaps, boots, and spurs. I ask, "JH, what's the problem?" He looks up, very concerned, and explains (and points...down there...), "Thumtimes my skin sticks to my legs."
DL brings pictures to school of his new baby brother! The kids are all so excited because we've talked about this baby for what seems like years. The excitement dies down, but during lunch, DL blurts out: "I know how babies are born." Time stands still. The kids are completely silent, waiting for DL to bring insight to this great mystery. I, of course, am frozen- can't even make myself scream, "NOOOO!" because I'm so terrified of what he's about to say. He goes on: "The mom just pushes and pushes and pushes and the baby just POPS! Right out of her booty!" 15 mouths open wide (mine wanting to scream, but again, nothing). K.O. speaks up, "Is that true?" I respond the only way I can at the moment: "I have no idea. You'll have to ask your mom."
CF has three parents (mom, dad, stepdad), all of whom are blind. CF, who speaks very rarely and very quietly, shakes us all up by proudly announcing one morning that he got a trampoline for his birthday. The kids are all excited and one asks if CF has a "cage" on his trampoline (the net thing that goes around it). CF says yes. I say, "So you won't fall off?" Cameron quietly and matter-of-factly replies, "No, so my mom won't fall off."
It's Valentine's Day. BH (my favoritest little autistic child in the world) brings in a card for me that he has made "specially" for me. It's a white piece of paper with a big red heart on the front. Sweet, except the heart has drops of "blood" dripping off it and forming a "puddle" on the bottom of the page. I'm thinking: "awesome. blood. on a Valentine." But NO. I open it and read..."My heart is melting for you." LOVEIT.
It's April, and I'm still teaching "life skills" such as, "Only one person in the stall at a time while you're in the bathroom" and "It's not okay to look under the stall at the person next to you." So JL comes back in the classroom after a visit to the restroom and is VERY hot and bothered. I say, "JL, what's going on?" She cries, "AB looked in my stable!"
EM worked really hard on learning the major bones of the body in PE. But when she broke her arm, she also got a little confused about the bones in her arm (radius and ulna). She reported to another teacher that she fell out of a chair and "broke her uterus."
LZ: "You know what?"
Me: "What?"
LZ: "Did you know I already have all my baby eggs inside me?"
Me: stunned silence. TMI.
Francis: (staring at CP and the puddle of puke she is standing over) "What happened?!"
CP: "I bomited."
Me: (standing outside the boys bathroom hearing screams from inside) "What is going ON in there??"
JS: "Um, I think you should come in here, Miss Leah. There is a pre-k kid doing something crazy."
I walk in...nervously...to see AK SITTING on the urinal. facing me.
Me: "Um, AK, that is a potty for STANDING."
AK: "But I need to poop."
So I'm sitting in my quiet classroom while my class is at music. I hear Miss Janet say, "Oh. My. Goodness." I walk out in the hall and Janet is standing at the bathroom door looking in on EH. I peek in. EH is sitting on the toilet and is DRIPPING wet from head to waist. seriously. Janet leaves to get Kenda. EH reports, "My head is really wet." no kidding. I ask if he put his head in the sink. He says no. I ask how his head got really wet. He seems stumped. Kenda arrives.
Janet and I stay in the hall and listen to the line of questioning that eventually revealed the truth.
EH: "Did you know there's a hole in this potty?"
Kenda: "Yes. There's a hole in every potty. When you flush, that's where the water goes out."
EH: "Well, I just wanted to know where the hole went, so I put my hand in. I couldn't feel anything, so I put my whole arm in."
Kenda: "So how did your head get wet?"
EH: "Well, my arm wasn't long enough, so I tried to get my whole self in the potty so I could reach better. I still couldn't get anything."
I'm picking my class up from art. They're in a line at the door, I'm facing them. I feel something unusual. I look down. MC has both hands on my...chest. I jump back and say, "MC! What are you doing?!" He says nothing. I tell him he owes me a token when we get back to the classroom (while Miss Shana laughs silently behind him). When we get to the room, he brings me a token. I say, "MC, do you know why you have to give me a token?"
He replies, "Yes. Because I touched your pom-poms."
